There's a whole world out there, waiting for me to explore it

end of story.


I discovered a lot in me last year. It was a scary experience if I’m honest. There where some good things as well, but…

I want to be a better person this year. For my sake. For other’s sake. I understand now I’m not alone anymore. There’s people around me.

If someone had told me 10 years ago that I’d survive, I’d live to this day – living on my own in London, having friends from other countries – would I’ve believed? I don’t think so.

I’ve discovered strengths in me. I actually want to work hard, dream – even if it didn’t happen eventually. But I’d still try. I understand that know, I understand I am capable of breaking walls. There’s a new world for me.

I’ve discovered that mental health is no joke. Even for me. I thought I was alright and I was managing with my life, hence I never then thought of getting help. I might be strong to getting through with that shit hole inside my mind, but it’s not over. It’s my life.

I’ve decided to end this blog. I enjoyed this much, but the purpose of me starting this didn’t work out in the end. I mean, I just travel back and forth between England and Finland, so much of the travelling…

As much as I tried to share my life in here, life gets pretty quickly ‘boring’. What I mean, there’s not much to share in everyday life. At least for me, in written words.

When I like to write something, it usually comes within me, my mind, my heart. I enjoy writing when I can put my thoughts into words. When I can express myself. That’s why I need to end this one. So that, maybe, one day I can start something else. Share with you what I truly feel, what I actually think.

But now, I need to put my life together.


“Shame on me” NO. Shame on YOU!


There has been a lot of discussion over #metoo campaign. I feel bad for that we, the victims, must bring this up and not the person harassing you. It’s difficult to speak up about something so tragic, especially when they deny it or tell something like this: “It was a joke, it’s no big deal anyway, you weren’t raped or anything right?” The same way I feel about me being bullied. Nobody ever admit bullying me (I wonder if anyone of them would admit it today if I met them?) and it’s really hard to talk about it because I want to leave it all behind – like it never happened. But it exist, it still exist in the past.


I wasn’t sure should I share my story or not, till I started thinking exactly what I just wrote up there. The problem exist whether or not I speak about, but at least I can show my side of story. This what I wrote on my Instagram:


Don’t be ashamed of NOT sharing your story. It’s not your fault. What matters more you feel good about yourself. Focus on that. Yourself. I know bc this is tough for me too. Still not asking anyone else to share their story. Focus on yourself and what feels good for you.

I used to be really ashamed of my body and felt like I’m not good enough to show my body. I covered it. Building that confidence and having a positive body image of myself took a long time. I still feel awkward and even scared to wear dresses bc it makes me feel I’m naked. Having that feeling to go out, feeling awesome what you’re wearing, not giving a damn what you look bc I look great! Then someone brings it down. Sexual harassment. I hear that voice in my head “Shame on me, shame on me” I wanna cover myself again. “Hide that body!” As minor as it may seem to you it’s still sexual harassment and it DOES have affect on ME. Do you know how hard it is to build that positive body image, have the confidence to be yourself again? Every time you wanna slap my ass, grap my boobs, catcalling etc. you bring down all that hard work I’ve done…”Shame on me” NO! SHAME ON YOU! #metoo


Sometimes you need to speak up to get the heavy weight off your shoulders. That’s why I did it. I’m still aware this doesn’t make the problem go away since it shouldn’t be the victim taking responsibility to say the truth out loud, but if those bastards are not going to say what is needed to say, then who will? It’s not fair but at least we can raise the awareness of what kind of world we are living. We still need a solution to this. Ideally this should stop those people to think who have ever harassed someone and change their behavior to better. Ideally.

P.S. I hope one day I’m able to open up about my past, bullying, what it has done to me. Then again, do I really have to? As long as I can let go from the past and it doesn’t haunt me anymore.

Stop. Look around. Breathe.

I’m loosing my interest in blogging. I don’t know why. I love this, honestly, but for some reason I don’t have that same enthusiasm anymore as it was when I started. I want to keep going. I want to keep on writing my blog. I just need a direction.

Ever since I started vlogging on YouTube I have spent even less time with my blog. I like it, though. I like the visual aspect of telling a story. Yet, I need this. Words. Written words, not spoken words.

My videos have build up my confidence to speak and helped me to communicate more efficiently. Even right now I’m making a video. Me, writing this.

Sometimes there are no words how you’d like to express yourself.

I need both! I love that I can use my creativity in these videos, but writing also requires creativity. Especially if you want to make your writing interesting to others to read. It’s a different kind of skill. Even when I’m just writing an essay in academic style, there has to be some creativity to make it interesting.

Flow, that’s what I love about writing. I don’t know where those words come from (somewhere deep, deep in my head) but when I release them I feel like I’m swimming under a lake, eyes closed, letting the waves to take me where ever they want me to. That’s the best feeling ever.


I need to figure out what I want to do with my blog. I need a direction. This is where I need to stop. Right now my path has taken me to choose where to go next. I need to make a choice. I just don’t know what it is, yet.

“Stop. Look around. Breathe.” Be patient with me. I want to do this right, if I still want to keep going with my blog. I want to find my passion for this, again.


Update: When anxiety hits you hard

I think it’s time to ‘dive in’ my mind because that’s where I’ve been ‘swimming’ lately.

Responsibilities, responsibilities, responsibilities…that’s what being an adult is. I’m constantly at work leaving myself so much less time to manage everything that needs to be done before I fly back to London. What makes this even more stressful is the fact that I don’t know when I’m going to visit Finland again.

I know from many many experiences before that even though sometimes things won’t go exactly the way you’d hope for and it requires little bit more effort to make it work, still, having to deal with these situations so often becomes heavier and heavier. At some point you stop believing yourself. Yet, you just need to keep moving – because you’re adult now.

Sometimes I wish I could take a break! Take a break from my life, take a break from everything what is happening and what needs to be dealt with right now – I NEED A BREAK FROM MY MIND.

All these thoughts ‘I need to do this, I need to do that’. The constant worrying that what if I don’t make it.

The second year of my undergrad degree in university is soon starting and this is where the real game starts. No more slacking of, no more excuses, this is where I need to step up if I want to succeed in my life. All that pressure ‘how am I suppose to do this, how am I able to reach to that goal I want’. I really do want to succeed but my lack of confidence doesn’t allow me to believe I would ever be that smart since I’ve never had been. At least on a paper.

All I want to do is close my eyes, cover my ears, and breathe.

PS. Dear anxiety, please, go away!

Road Trip: Chasing the Sea


I was supposed to make earlier a separate post about my trip to Brighton which was before I flew to Finland for the summer, but since my job has taken all my time and energy that I totally forgot to do this…

BUT know I’m going to step up and keep on doing my blog, because I took a little holiday from work and I went on a road trip in the UK with my friend (the same friend who I also went with to Brighton) to the seaside. That’s why I’m going to put these two trips together and make them into one blog post.

2nd June – Brighton







On our way to find some coffee we found these two carousels – my friend told me to go on the small one…hahah!


He also wanted to take a picture of this… 😀






The view from the Brighton Pier


I had to take a picture of this because we had just seen the newest Pirates of the Caribbean -movie (if you haven’t seen it, go watch it!).

‘Coz there cannot be taken too many pictures of a sunset


We wondered what this would be but I think it is what was used to pull the boats out of the sea to the land…maybe?

I went to dip my legs to the sea to feel how cold it actually was…honestly, it wasn’t that cold as I expected. The waves were just so huge that my dress got wet.



Now this was just amusing…! 🙂


I’m glad I went to Brighton and sure will visit it one day again!

19th July – Plymouth

On our first day of road trip we drove a long way from London to Plymouth where we stayed for the night, and left the next day morning, which is why I didn’t get many pictures from that place. I remember Plymouth for its cute pastel colored houses and steep hills.


20th July – St Ives & Porthcurno

When we left from Plymouth, we headed towards St Ives. At first the weather didn’t look so good but once we arrived there it was sunny and warm at the beach – sure it was a bit windy but the sun kept us warm.


Happy Days


Every road trip you need coffee – a lot

We were heading towards the beach. On our way there was this some sort of gallery, in front of it placed piles of books. I just had to take a photo.



Since we were in Cornwall, we had to try the Cornish pasties.



Seagulls everywhere!

We were sitting by the beach where there was this small rock slide. The ropes of the boats were attached to this chain. There was a little girl sitting next to me who climbed down that slide by using the rope to get to the beach. Me and my friend just stayed there where we were, enjoying the sun and listening the seagulls screaming.


Once we left St Ives we drove to Porthcurno. When we arrived we drove up in the hill to see that amazing view… ❤


“Wait for me!” (I only realized my friend was on this picture when I looked at it on my laptop…)

The cliffs were such a gorgeous sight to see. It reminded me of my childhood when we used sail around islands in Finland. I miss that…



It was really windy up in there.


What I can remember from this trip was that when we were on the countryside the roads were so narrow that only one car could fit in there…it was really tricky to drive there (good thing I wasn’t driving).

I really enjoyed my time on this trip, and definitely do another road trip at some point in my life. This vacation was well spent! 🙂

I made a video on YouTube as well about this trip where you can mostly see St Ives and some roads where we were driving around.

Why I should’ve been born on the countryside and not in the city?

At first I wasn’t sure whether I should come back to Finland or not (I did have booked air plane tickets already to Finland), and when I arrived I just wanted desperately to fly back to London.

Right now I’m sitting at terrace looking at the green environment – grass, bushes, trees – and beyond that the blue water shining by the sun, listening nothing but birds chatting each other echoing in the forest (and my keyboard which I’m typing). Also my uncle’s silly cat trying to get my attention and still leaving when I want to take it to my lap, funny cat this Vili (the cat’s name).

Perfect reminder why I love my country, Finland – the nature! You can’t have that in London, not the same way as here. You can go to parks but we Finns kind of need the forest where you can hide and escape your worries, at least for a while. I can finally feel the peace in my mind.

My summer cottage has always been my safe place. I don’t know how but here all my struggles disappears and I can actually find a solution what ever troubles me. Just like now. This place, the treasure, is something unique you can’t find in London. I’ll be in London anyway real soon, so soon that I don’t even notice the time passing by, and spending another long year there. The time is precious and the time in here, at the summer cottage, is limited. I better make the most out of this summer.

The reason why I should’ve been born on the countryside is because this is where I truly belong – in the nature, in the forest – but my life is elsewhere. I don’t struggle living in the city, but only in the countryside where I can admire the beautiful nature I’m at home – where I can always find shelter when ever I need it.

Exploring London: Camden Town/Camden Market













Take a leap of faith

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything on my blog…over a month I think. I’ve been busy, surprisingly student life doesn’t leave you to slack off too much…if you want to succeed in your studies or at least not to fail.

The last month has been the hardest that I’ve ever experienced (4 assignments and 1 exam within 5 weeks). It definitely gets worse and worse every year. I’m already worried for my next year’s studies how am I able to keep up with everyone, and more importantly push myself to get those good grades.

At the beginning of March I went on a quick trip to Finland since I’d already got myself ticket to Avenged Sevenfold’s concert. Also I have become a godmother! My godson’s christening (ristiäiset) was during that time, and I finally saw him in person. ❤ Cutest baby boy, so tiny! But loud as a siren… I got a good exercise for my hands since I hold him almost an hour to make him fall asleep. Heart melts when you see a sleeping baby, so peacefully quiet.


I’ve made video of the concert to my youtube channel. A7X!

Right now I’m in Finland in a two-week holiday, just the right time when everyone in London enjoys the summer weather, and it’s just the beginning of April! Nothing like Finland during spring. The day I left it was at least +23 degrees, and next day on Sunday even +25! Finnish girls that I’ve been get to know to were having a picnic, and I was so jealous wishing to go back to London right away.

Why am I even in Finland? And not travelling around somewhere in Europe? I wish, it would be perfect to go around Europe from London but I still haven’t succeed to make this plan true. Since I’m going for another year to Linnanmäki to work for the summer I had to come in Finland to train for the job during my spring break.

To be honest, it’s so easy to stick to the job that I got. I don’t have to do the effort to look for thousands of jobs which still doesn’t guarantee me a place (I know, I’ve been there). I like working there, we have a great atmosphere with my co-workers and we enjoy each others company. I guess, that’s why I decided to work there, again. Still, I need to start consider leaving Finland behind, and staying in London more permanently.

It’s nice to be in Finland when you can see your family and friends. Yet, I’ve realized something: more longer I’ve been living in London, more distant this country has become to me. Even though I’ve visited many times in Finland whilst living in London, it still doesn’t feel the same anymore. Does it feel like home? I don’t know really. It’s hard to explain what I’m trying to tell here, but…I think London has “stepped a foot on me”. I’ve got the taste of adventure, travelling, and I know I won’t be coming back to Finland anymore, at least not to stay permanently. I’ve been asked this many times:

“Do I wish to go back to Finland?” or something like “Am I going back to Finland after graduation?”

The answer is NO.

This is a scary situation because I think Finland is kind of like a safety net for me where to go to, if something goes wrong. I don’t want to go back to Finland after moving to London. But it scares me how am I managing when I need to find a job and reasonably cheap place to live (if I’m staying in London). That’s why I cannot think of going back, to Finland. That’s what it feels like. Going backwards. I need to move forward. I cannot go back, I need to set myself out of the comfort zone. Even though I’m already living alone in a huge city without any support from others, I can’t help myself but to wonder what is my future going to hold for me. I keep myself thinking that I can do it, and everything is going to turn just fine for me. After all I’ve come to this far. Just need a little push.

To take a leap of faith.


If there’s something I regret for studying in UK instead of being a student in Finnish university, I’ll be missing the fun what there’s in Finnish university life. Sure, we have freshers-parties here, but so does in Finland as well. What upset me was that I won’t be able to attend sitsit

It’s traditional dinner party in Finland and Sweden, and usually held by university students. People eat, have drinks and sing drinking songs – the most known song is Helan går. This party is also quite formal, unless there’s a certain theme to dress accordingly.

Also Finnish university students have these special student jump suits, which I have mentioned on my previous blog post. You wear them in many student parties or events. What’s so special about these jump suits? You add to them badges which we call ‘opiskelijamerkit’ by stitching them to the jump suit. I also wanted ones as well…

Things have changed now: I have been in sitsit in London! And I do have student badges that I have stitched to my university hoodie.

Yes, there actually was sitsit in here, London. I found out about this organization for Finnish student living in England, ISO ry, and they made this happen. The dinner was great, we had lots of fun and lots of drinks – I even had my favorite: salmarishotti.

Every time the waiters came we had to yell ‘poliisi’, because we wasn’t sure if we were allowed to drink our own alcohol

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